Princess
by BleachedMerc
Summary: When they were kid, they contest validation. With no prior training in romance, they fight. Enter the tournament. Who will succeed and who will fail? What should have happened in the game! Warning:
1. The Sellout

Hi! My name is Princess!

I can count past – Oh forget it!

sum poopiepants get me new vididum game

he say it better tham KH tree

It no better tham KH tree! It poopiepants!

It SOOOO poopiepants I like poopiepants Donald Duck!

I haf to get a new PStwee! In order to pway it.

In no hafta get plugem in all da time. But it get plugem in sumtimes.

Yay!

So I paying Birf by Tweep on my new PStwee.. and them sum poopiepants from skool says

"Here pay dis game. It better than... better than... better than even Kimdom Hurts three!"

I was like

OH!

Kimdom Hearts Tree! It new Kimdom Hearts! With Sowa! Sowa back Axel! Yay!

I see vidido on metube! New vidido of Kimdom Hearts Tree! It sow Sowa and him on beach and him pick up madder erickiss keybabe!

And him all huh!

Like this, i sow you.

Huh?

Hee hee am it look amazing! Ip on PSfour! That why it look so imazing!

I was shitting there and I was like

no words come out!

I coummit even look away!

But emmyway

I pay poopiepants game. It called Tails in Sky. Wedgends of Weirdos.

Ya it wedgends of weirdos alrite

It sooo weirdos!

People move like wobots

and they so tiny

am you hafta weed

You hafta weed to pay it!

What up widdat!

Game is tupid. So tupid I sold it.

I sold it to weebay. And now I buying PStwee! I mean PSfour!

So I cam play with Sowa agaim! Maybe Axel too!

I luv Axel

He my hero

Not like Tails in Sky. It poopiepants.

Onee poopiepants like Donald Duck want to pay vididum games like Tails in Sky Wedgends of Weirdos.


	2. Santa's Final Visit

...Huh?

Oh hi agaim.

My sleepy.

My name is Princess. I can count past two and sleep in bed all by myself.

I was woken up wudely by Santam Caws. He wearing back pajamas and him havin big bushy beard.

him lookin troo the house for more majic lamps. Yay!

You member him? Him shooting rainbows from him teef outside the blue bagoon!

You hafta member him. I told you all 'bout him. He so funny.

But him smell like fish ticks.

I no like fish ticks.

They poopiepants like Donald Duck and Wedgends of Weirdos

emmyway..

him break into Daddy's special cabinet.

You know.. the one where he keeps the captain? You know, the captain on the bottle!

You don't know? From the wicker store?

Emmyway..

Him bust out the captain and take the top off the bottle

but them Daddy blow him away with the Pulse Rifle! Yay!

Daddy so awesome! Him my hero!

Like Axel!

I love Axel!

With kisses!

But not when Daddy looking!

Yay! I go back to sweep now. Bye bye!


	3. CSI vs The X-Men vs Deadpool & Princess

Hi agaim!

My name is Princess!

I can count won, two, twee... f-four... tem, nine... twee.. yay! I can count to twee!

So the guy in blue is here, him say him wif da police.

Daddy call him the po-po and tell me to hide imside wif the ponies and umicorns and my puppies sniff and stupid.

Mommy and daddy no see them but i seem them! Yay!

So them polwiceman him have notebook and make all kiams of dwawings.

Him make dwawings of santam caws!

Santam Caws no look too good though..

Santam caws all covered im jam and him all over da room.

Daddy a goodem guy. But Daddy make mess with Pulse Rifle! Yay!

Or not yay since Daddy bean arrested and him waving to me while him being taken to blue guys car.

Him going to Polwice Station!

That must be new paystation 2! Yay! Go Daddy! You pay Polwice station 2!

...uh oh.. I sayim yay alot. I hopen I no turn out like yay kid from orange fridge. Him tupid.

Not as tupid as kid that tellem me Tails in Sky Wedgends of Weirdos better than Kay Aitch twee.

Him wheelie wheelie tupid.

Tails in Sky Wedgends of weirdos wheelie wheelie stupid. I rather pay Cold Shadow wif Maui Mallard.

At weast it have fun and make sense. Unlike poopiepants game wif Estelle Bwight.

She not bwight, she stupid. Lookem at her face. Seem her face like she happy? That face of yay kid at orange fridge.

I hope kid who likes tail in sky cry because I sell him copy to weebay. Him better off. Twust me. He best going back to tinking him aro pwane and running around like him tupid cuz him is.

Emmeway. Mommy say we going to meet Uncle Wolverine! Yay! Him going to do what him do best and shave Daddy! Yay!

Oop, I yayying again.

Bye bye! I going on bwackbird now wif mommy, unca wolverleene, symclops, wogue, hairy blue guy and Gimbit! Yay! We the sexmen! Least, that what symclops say when he meet me! Him have fancy sungwasses... but him ownee have one eye?

What up widdat?


	4. The Importance of Good Literacy

My name is Princesslover

I can say my ABZs and strap the Velcro on my boots

I luv Princess

She my sweathart

One day out paying my PStweep, sum kindum sayer dood show me rainbow game

It so happy I yay!

It call Wegend of Zeroes: Tails in da Eye

I pay it on the PStweep all day and now I have four eyes and a tail

I like a symclops monkey airplane

Yay!

I bewm bewm from eyes now

Like dis

Bewm bewm!

You see that?

I bewm bewm

Emmeyway I wuv dem zeroes soooo much I show dem to Princess

But she no likey da zeroes…

She no can say her ABZs and can't weed

Stoopid Axel no teach her ABZs

I happy he have to die for poopiepants Donald duck

Only poopiepants no can weed


	5. Trials in the Sky

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Princess broadcast to bring you this breaking news bulletin.

Four of the 7 dwarves have been found Stiffy, Deceased, Lifeless, and Departed in their retirement home in the woods. We've reached out to the other three dwarves for comment but they're still on tour with Will "Willy T." Turner, and couldn't be reached for comment.

The prime suspects in the murders were grumpy, sleepy, dopey and happy. What this means exactly, we're not terribly sure.

In other news, Manchester United, the entire team, has been bought out by an overzealous fan and has been transferred into the Seymour Guado Memorial Blitzball League. You can expect to see all your favorite football stars flounder around and attempt to stave off drowning in the next couple months. Their opening match this season will be against the Kilika Beasts, which contrary to their name are not a team of wild animals.

In further news, all the players on the Kilika Beasts have all been replaced by wild animals on account of some rogue chicken having been giving scouting privileges all over Spira. More on that story later tonight.

And now over to Stupid for the weather. Stupid.

"Ah, thank you Sniff. Good day universe, I'm Stupid with the weather this evening. It looks like it will be a crazy one today. If you live in Nigeria, I recommend watching the local news for local weather. If you live in Southern Spain, you'll have a fun one tonight... check in with the local news broadcast for your local weather. If you live in Western Japan, I'd buckle down the hatches for you're going to be for some wild [insert local weather here] tonight. And if you're unfortunate to live in the good ol' U.S. Of A... then you're going to get pretty much everything... eventually, just be patient. This is Stupid with the weather. Sniff?"

Thank you Stupid. Well there you have it folks. A storm warning IS in effect and all citizens of Kilika have been advised to leave their homes as Sin is coming, but since you lot all don't have the internet this warning probably won't reach you. Oh. Well.

And now we return you to your regularly scheduled Princess. Good night everyone.

- agaim! My name is Princess!

I can count to the one affer four and tie my shoes.

I'm frying on the bwackbird! Wheee!

I've gotten sick free times! Yay!

The blue hairy guy frying the bwackbird. Him a good friar. Him fry wheelie wheelie fast.

Unca wolverleene smell funny. And him always say whatcha wookin' at, Bub.

Like this

Whatcha wookin at, Bub?

Hee hee, did you see it.

I cwoss my eyes. Hee hee. Like this!

Oh Unca wolverleene is so silly. Him scratch him bum wif him caws when him fink nobody lookin. But I lookin! Hee hee. Him so silly.

Symclops say him the box of the sexmen. But him no seem like box to me. Him shit all quietwee wif him arm cwossed.

Him all

...

Did you see? I do it again because you no gimme attention the first time.

...

Hee hee.

Mommy checking her guns. Daddy say this means she checkin her bewbies. Hee hee. Because she's a gwil. Like me! But I no haf bewbies.

Does this mean I a boi? Like poopiepants Tyler?

I no want be like poopiepants Tire. He poopiepants.

I hope I have bewbies soon and be a wheel girl. Like Mommy! Beep beep!

Gimbit have funny eyes and him always paying wif cards. Him must wheelie wheelie like chan of memorlies! I no like that game, you never know whem poopiepants Donald duck sew up. So him always scare me.

It a wheelie wheelie scary game since him sew up and cheep like a chicken and appear in thumbder and whitening.

I no like thumbder and whitening. It wheelie loud, eben if I holm my hams over my ears.

Last time I cry in thumbder and whitening dorm, Daddy hip me wif churoflorm and I get sweepy wheelie wheelie fast.

I wake up snuffed in shoe cwoset! It fun adventure like we haf on Dupider Meadows! Member?

Emmeway we at polwice station now! Yay! We gonna pay new vididum games!

Bye bye!


	6. Where The Budget Went

Good evening, children. I am Patrick Stewart. And you should read the rest of this story using my voice. You may know me as the leader of the X-Men. If you do.. then you are right. I also had a brief escapade as the commander upon a ship called the Enterprise, but that was merely a cover for my real job: Leading the X-Men.

I run an institute for gifted children. Though not "gifted" "children" like you sorry lot. No, I run an institute for the real gifted children, heroes and heroines in the own right, full of all the love and energy a man like me can muster. I may be in a "wheelchair," and _you_ may _think_ I'm an old man, but you would be wrong. I am just as voracious and quick-tempered as any "young man" and I am still very handsome. Far more handsome than you, I would imagine. And equally as quick. I have already slapped you twice in the face and you haven't even noticed.

But such is the result of being "gifted" "children" like yourself. Fat lot of good it's done you, hasn't it? I imagine you couldn't even suffer one day of the homework I give _my_ children and they finish this homework in between saving the world. How incompetent does that make you I wonder?

But I am not here to verbally joust. No, that's like throwing a lemon at a beach ball. I am here to recap the latest chapter of Princess! You didn't think I was a fan, now did you? Yes, that's right. This particular fanfiction story has a celebrity fan. And not just any celebrity fan either, but one as prestigious as me! When BleachedMerc contacted me I thought it was another one of his prank phone calls or a request for an autograph, but when he asked if I might be interested in narrating a couple of his stories, why, how could I refuse?

So Princess... Princess is a little girl that can count to four and tie her shoes. But she begins to struggle after that. Despite the many trials of her short little delicate life she has proven herself to us a _soldier_, struggling on and struggling through all of the things her little life might throw at her. Separated from her biological parents through tragic means she wound up in an orphanage. A terrible place indeed. There, she was rescued by none on other than Deadpool, my second favorite X-Men next to myself and Jean-Grey. And then he was arrested after defending her from a terrible criminal who broke into their home: Santa Claus.

Hearing of these terrible events, I dispatched my X-Men. Wolverine, Cyclops, Gambit, Beast and Rogue reunited with Domino from the X-Force to go and rescue Deadpool from the Los Angeles State Police Force, the fiends.

And now... I invite you to join me. Not the X-Men, you're far too "gifted" for that. But in patiently waiting for the next chapter of Princess. It is bound to be a good one.

Unlike that poopiepants Donald Duck. Why did Roxas have to sacrifice himself for him?


	7. Pro Bono

Hello, I am Ian McKellen. You may perhaps know me from my many roles in Shakespearian plays If not, then perhaps you know me by my alias: Gandalf the Grey, and on my more serious days: Gandalf the White. When I disguise myself as a mortal, I undertake the persona of Magneto and lead the Brotherhood in a bid for world domination.

Alas, my accolades are not why I am writing to you today. A poor, lost soul has reached out for my aid, and as a crusader for mutants everywhere, I am obliged to do everything in my power to take care of a fellow brother. I am referring of course to a young lad named Tyler.

The heroism Tyler has displayed in coping with his talents is indeed commendable and serves as an example to all our brothers and sisters. You are not alone. I am here for you, waiting in Moria to tell the humans: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Come, my hobbit friends! Unite with the Brotherhood and together we will create a utopian world for us and our ilk to thrive!

Tylers of the world, I await your recruitment. Roxas and Ventus need not apply. I speak on behalf of the Fellowship when I say I am grateful that they died for Donald Duck.


	8. The Lawsuit

Hi agaim, my name is Prin—

**_HOLD IT!_**

My name is Phoenix Wright, attorney at law. Due to certain litigating circumstances, BleachedMerc has been subpoenaed and issued an injunction following multiple ongoing lawsuits filed by Marvel, 20th Century Fox, Nihon Falcom, Sony Computer Entertainment of America, and the Mister Kennedy Foundation for Lost Names.

By law, I am required to tell you that Princess and Princesslover, hereby referred to as the second party, are not in direct affiliation with any litigating parties, hereby referred to as the first party. Any and all first party grievances have been documented following Class 7, Sub-Section 3A protocol and have been processed by a federal judge. BleachedMerc, hereby referred to as the third party, is to cease and desist any further actions regarding the second party's infringement upon the first party's rights as established by Statute #81973-B.

By penalty of law and under orders passed by His Honorable Judge Dredd, BleachedMerc will now adhere to the summary of this tale and provide you the readers, hereby referred to as the fourth party, an accurate depiction of the Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky.

* * *

Love is a tournament that neither children Estelle or Joshua had any prior training. Though they were siblings, they weren't biologically related. And so they struggled with their feelings.

It started out with a few light hand brushes here and there, then slowly progressed to extended eye contact and hearts pounding in their ears. They were such amateurs in the field of love. Indeed, love is a tournament where hearts battle against all rational and reason.

One day, however, the heart would be the victor over all else. That day…was tomorrow.


	9. Tournament of Love

It was an odd time for the Bracers. They had a mission to do, but to get to their destination, they had to catch an airship. But the airships weren't running because of a monster attack, hence the need for the Bracers. So how would they get there?

By car ride.

Joshua rented a car and got behind the wheel with Estelle riding shotgun. But this is a children's game, so she ditched the shotgun and just rode along with that stick thing she uses to fight.

So there they were—Josh and Estelle, two siblings but not by birth—riding in a car cross-country to the Bracers Branch 100 miles away. The tension was high. Estelle couldn't stop blushing and Joshua tried to focus his mind on the baby ducks crossing the road at the stoplight. They were both so young and inexperienced in this tournament of love.

"So…" Estelle started to say, the blush deepening across her cheeks. She could hear her heart beating fast and hard against her chest.

"So…" Joshua parroted just as uneasily and awkwardly. He wished at that moment that he hadn't eaten that baconnaise bacon sandwich with a side order of bacon and lard for breakfast, because if his heart beat any faster, he would suffer a heart attack of the most heartbreaking, heart-wrenching variety.

The tension was so high—so thick—that you could cut it with a knife. But not a sharp one, because you know, kid's game and all. Maybe with some safety scissors or something, but those couldn't cut through wet paper, so I dunno.

Anyway, the green light flashed and Joshua put the pedal to the metal. The conversation they attempted to start ended in failure, but fifteen minutes turned to three hours and Estelle tried once more. The pressure from her distempered heart forced the words to spew from her mouth like a geyser. "I love you!" she blurted and Joshua slammed on the brakes.

"But you're my sister!"

"Not your real sister!"

They were just outside the Bracer's field office and Joshua parked the car. The two then stared at each other, not sure what to say or do next. The two youths—so untrained in the tournament of love—just gazed at each other. Then, suddenly as if by magical gravity, the two started to move towards each other. Their hearts beat faster and their blushes deepened.

"Joshua…" Estelle breathed.

Joshua closed his eyes and let the magical gravity do the work…

**_OBJECTION!_**

Hi, I'm Phoenix Wright, attorney at law. After a hard-fought battle, BleachedMerc has been acquitted of all charges and has been greenlit to resume business as usual. We know return to your regularly scheduled story as conceived by the author.

…but he was rudely interrupted by a pounding on the car door.

"Ohmigawd! JOSH!" It was Lxily, talking fast on the phone with her BFF, Brittany. "Like, Brittany! Guess. Who. It. IS!"

With the strength of ten super-hawt body builders, Lxily tore the locked car door from its frame and gabbed on with Brittany. "Josh, you look fab—he looks fab! I, like, know! Girl, get that Twinkie out of your eye before you choke! Like, Josh, is like, right, like, here!"

Confused and disoriented, Joshua was pulled from the vehicle while Estelle watched on in a dazed stupor.

"Hold on, Brittany, I have another call." Lxily fondled Joshua with one hand while changed lines on the phone with her other. She then scoffed into the receiver. "Tixmothy, what is it NOW? Gawd, you are SUCH a little pain!"

Lxily continued to moan and bitch to her brother while Joshua and Estelle stayed virtually motionless having run out of energy after their inexperienced fight in the tournament of love ended in failure. After a heated exchange about whose turn it was to take out the trash, Lxily hung up on her brother and resumed chatting with Brittany to discover a jaw-dropping revelation.

"Like, ohmigawd. No wai! She went out with _him_?! I totes have to see this!" Lxily grabbed Joshua by the hair and dragged him out uncontested of the parking lot while Estelle turned her attention to some ducks doing a repeat performance of their street-crossing venture.

But just then, a loud whistling sounded off in the sky. A dark shadow eclipsed the whole of the parking lot, blanketing everything in darkness. And then…the Blackbird crashed into the parking lot, killing everyone except Lxily and the ducks. Lxily had slipped on a Twinkie wrapper, thus sliding her away from the pandemonium, and the ducks just flew away after sensing danger.

"Ohmigawd, ohmigawd, ohmigawd!" Lxily jumped from one foot to the next while panicking to her BBF (big bodied friend). "I. Just. Broke. A. NAIL! Now Josh will NEVER ask me to go out with him!" Lxily ran away crying just as the boarding ramp lowered from the Blackbird crushing the already dead Joshua and Estelle. Roo hopped along to pick up Estelle's fighting stick—really a Pooh stick—and return it to the Fellowship of the Pooh just before the hatch opened on the ship and a thick smoky, fog blew out. One, sole shadow emerged from the haze…

"Hi, agaim! It's me, Princess! We're here to pick up daddy from the po-po hee!"


End file.
